July 22nd, 2014 5PM

Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary?
A: It runs in your genes.
Today, I was scrubbing the bloody aftermath of a successful mouse trap off of my stove with an old toothbrush. After a few good scrubs, out of habit I put the toothbrush in my mouth while I turned on the water. FMyLife
I go to the beach to pick up chicks...
I Go To The Beach To Pick Up Chicks Funny Body Building Lifting


July 21st, 2014 4PM

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
Today, I was carrying my four-month-old son in a checkout line. An older couple behind us remarked that I would spoil my son if I carried him everywhere. My son responded by projectile vomiting all over the wife, then looked at me and giggled. FMyLife
Park better next time...
Park Better Next Time Funny Truck Pushing Car Bad Parking


July 18th, 2014 3PM

Q: Why did the blonde think it was Sunday?
A: Because the sun was out.
Today, while out grocery shopping with my mother, she asked me to hold a large bag of rice for her. Ten minutes later, I realized I'd been absent-mindlessly stroking it the whole time, just like when I pick up my cat. People were looking at me. FMyLife
When my friend says is that a roach behind you...
When My Friend Says Is That A Roach Behind You Funny Scared Dog